It is rare that I write novels. I tend to do so only once a year, maybe once every couple of years. After having gone insane while writing novels in the past, it is a bit of risk for me to put pen to paper in a prose poetical fashion.
Fortunately, I feel I was able to walk away from Voces Animarum with my sanity. Well, somewhat. It is obvious I am not entirely sane. But unlike when I’ve written some of my novels before, I did not become a danger to myself during the creation of this book.
Thank God for medication. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here typing this.
I wish I could offer some semblance of an interesting story behind what inspired Voces Animarum. But I really cannot. Surprisingly, it was a video game that moved me to begin work. I already had an idea of what I wanted to do: I wanted to write a story wherein somebody stopped taking their medication because their doctor told them to.
I didn’t really have any direction beyond that. I wrote a few pages, in which I got my narrator from one point to the other—that of disposing of his medication. But then I didn’t really know what to do.
Well, one day I was having a random discussion about video games. And the topic of Resident Evil 2 came up. I naturally avoided the obvious subject matter of the living dead, but remembered that, in the game, the player will find documents scattered about the environment. The gamer is supposed to read these documents, and it helps the story move along.
Right there, I had my central idea. And I began writing immediately.
It took me just a few hours shy of fourteen days to write Voces Animarum in its entirety. I again must say how little I want to write novels. I love writing novels—but the toll they always take on me is a bit much. During this composition, I felt I was playing around with forces inside my own mind that I ought not to have been playing with. I no longer can sleep without nightlights since writing this book for example.
This book scared me. It scared me in many ways. Especially during the editing process. I don’t really wish to delve into tremendous detail about it. Suffice it to say, it was just a bit much. I do not plan on writing another novel for at least another year. Maybe even longer.
But I must say this book is beyond any doubt the greatest work of literature I have ever written. And it also is the best work of art I have ever put together. Which is but one of many reasons why it is dedicated to my friend, Austin. It is also one of the many reasons why I want to give this book to you, the Reader, for free.
This book is a present.
It obviously is dedicated directly to Austin, but it also is for all of you. I fear it is an embarrassingly small token of my appreciation to those of you who have read my work over the years. The whole time I wrote this book, I saw my father working on one of his illustrations.
Most of the paintings and drawings my father put together were birthday presents for my sisters and me. That is all I ever wanted for my birthday, and for Christmas. All I wanted was a drawing from my father.
To be able to see him in my mind’s eye as I wrote this book and as I put the visual media for it together was a very special thing for me. And I decided it had to be a present.
Yes you, the Reader, will have the option of purchasing a Kindle or a paperback edition, but that is neither here nor there. Yes, I would like to see it published professionally. But it really doesn’t matter, does it? I made this book for Austin, and I made this book for all of you. Whatever happens to it after it is released here and on Amazon is up to the future.
I hope you like it. It’s a really good book, if I may make so bold a claim. And I feel fortunate that I am able to walk away from it now without being sent to an institution.
Thank you—
—MH Here now is the link to the free PDF of Voces Animarum as it appears on Patreon.
https://www.patreon.com/posts/voces-animarum-82279631
Colorized paperback and physical monochrome editions will be available as well from Amazon. The Kindle Edition (with colorized photos) is available already at the following link: https://a.co/d/g0Yfuaz
Easter Sunday: Book Two
Easter Sunday is here, which means Symphoniya de Toska Book Two: (…) has arrived. It can be found at Wheelsong Books through the link provided.
It has been over two years since I began writing this Trilogy…I believe the first book was written sometime in April and May of 2021, and this, the second book was finished on December 28th that same year.
This, the Second Book, is the most important I have ever written. It was an undertaking I perhaps never would have suffered through had I simply listened to myself when it came to the person whose actions inspired the story of the Trilogy.
Now, the first book in Symphoniya de Toska was inspired by what might have been a suicide attempt. I recall lying in a bathtub with warm water and a razor blade before (at the last minute) remembering something I had written called, “Hearts in Formaldehyde.” I could not allow that poem to be the last I had ever written, and I felt a sense of curiosity about the piece: I wanted to know what happened next. And as it turns out, I was to live what happened next.
Where the First Book saved me from suicide, the Second Book rescued me from a psychological collapse. As I say in the introduction to (…) there is a difference between the madness displayed in my creations and the kind of madness that sends you to an insane asylum. With what was happening in my personal life, had I not written this Second Book, it would have been the end of me. And personally, I would much rather die than go insane again. After two preceding meltdowns I knew I could not survive another. I again express: It would have been the end of me.
The symbol, (…) is one I have used all my life long for my writing. Just something I’ve always used that has appeared in literally everything I have ever written.
Which brings me to the visual media: It was with this book’s original draft that I decided to introduce “Vate C. Carmen” to the world. I must (as always) thank my dearest friend, Austin Alao for providing the wardrobe: A straitjacket, which I needed. Obviously, it is not a real straitjacket, and it is not fastened. I think though that this adds some slight power to the images. This ensnared figure could escape its imprisonment at any moment. But simply cannot. If that makes sense. That is the way I felt at the time. I knew the solution to move on and collect myself, but I was trapped. I was too deeply broken by what was happening.
The book does not consist of a series of poems: It is all one long poem broken into pauses by the symbol, (…) and it tells the story of somebody trying desperately to remain sane. The first book leaves us after the narrator has committed suicide and is reborn to live their life anew. Unfortunately, the events—the sorrows of infidelity—are doomed to repeat themselves. And the terror comes through when our narrator finds themselves unable to cry. This is when depression is at its most deadly: When one simply cannot cry anymore.
You feel the tears behind your eyes. But they will not come. The only thing you want to do is cry: But eventually, the only thing you want from this level of misery is to end your own life. That is not a solution. That is never the answer. And that is something I had to figure out on my own.
Symphoniya de Toska Book Two saved not only my life, but my sanity. It is the most important book I have ever written. I would not wish the events which inspired the book (indeed, the Trilogy) upon anybody. Unfortunately, infidelity occurs more often than it does not.
So…allow me to set the scene for you: It is winter, and the days are dark. A terrible discovery is made. The one you feel you can trust, the one you honestly would die for is unmasked for what they truly are. And the loss is too much to bear, and the tears will not fall. Are there—are there flowers in the frost? Will this new life repeat itself, and will we die? Or will the tears come at last to set us free?
--MH
Voces Animarum Photos
The Poetry Novel Voces Animarum will be available soon on Patreon as a free PDF download along with Amazon paperback and hardcover editions as soon as it has been edited.
In the meantime, here is the photographical art for the book.
I feel that I have told this story a million times. I had no photographer and could not hire a model. I took the photos on a ten-second timer with my tablet, using my cat’s Cat Tree (or Tower as I like to call it) as a tripod for the “camera.”
Due to the institutional environment of the book, I decided to wear a hospital gown in most of the photos. I kept it on for as long as I could before I dropped it in favor of the usual “Vate C. Carmen” funerary garb (with sunglasses now, as it is nearly impossible to create these images while wearing a blindfold).
It took me over an hour to take all the photos. The mask kept falling off, I kept feeling ridiculous. I told myself how stupid all of this is God knows how many times.
“Nobody is going to like these. They all think you are insane. The images are going to suck. You suck. You’re the worst artist on the planet. Nobody likes you. This is stupid. Why the fuck are you bothering? You’re dumb. This is stupid and you look ridiculous.” etc. etc.
Those voices need to be ignored 24 hours a day for the most part, so I soldiered through and took the pictures while my cat watched me…wondering what the Hell I was doing with his fucking Tower.
I have no idea where the mask came from. It was just sort of lying around the apartment, so I decided to use it. Until it became too difficult. Like I said, it kept falling off whenever I tried to snap a shot.
I want to thank my dearest friend, Austin Alao for assisting in purchasing some of the props I needed. It was he who bought the skull and bell jar. And it is to him that I will be dedicating the book directly.
In all actuality though, this book is dedicated to all of you: The Readers out there who take the time to read my work on a regular basis. Voces Animarum, hands down, is the greatest thing I have ever written. I want Austin to have it. I want all of you to have it. It is the equivalent of my father (to me) giving me one of his illustrations for my birthday and for Christmas each year. I have always lived by the philosophy that the greatest gift you can give anybody is one that you made by yourself. I do not know if Voces Animarum is the greatest gift. But I hope you all enjoy it. I especially hope that Austin likes it.
You see, you will have the option of purchasing a copy on Amazon. I want to make that clear: It is an option. I do not want to make anybody pay for their present. And as I get older, selling units doesn’t interest me nearly as much as providing something special for all of you.
Maybe I care too much. And maybe I put far too much pressure on myself to do well. But all of this is for you. It is all for Austin. And it is all for my father.
I wish he was here…I really wish he could see what I am doing now. He would approve. I know he would. I just wish we had managed to do what we had planned since I was a child: I wish he and I were able to put the visual side of the books together with one another. By creating visual media for my art, I am (in many ways) trying to keep some part of him alive.
I do not know precisely when the book will be available. But I again must express how grateful I am to all of you. I do not say it enough: But all of you, my Readers, mean the entire world to me. You mean more to me than I can possibly express and more than you ever will know.
I love you all.
--MH
BROTHER OF DEATH LOG 4
BROTHER OF DEATH LOG 4
One of the reasons why I am writing this story is because it is Pride Month. The book is LGBTQIA-themed, the narrator is a homosexual grieving over the loss of his lover. I am hoping that I will be able to finish writing the piece by the end of June. But I may still be working next month. It all depends on how well I do, and how I pace myself.
Chapter Two is finished. The final sub-chapter (Episode 10 on Kindle Vella) will be available sometime in the next twenty-four hours.
I do not know how people are receiving BROTHER OF DEATH. A few people have contacted me and said they are current with the story and that they are enjoying reading it. I have captured their interest.
Like I said, I hope that I will be able to write the book in its entirety by the end of the month. After it is completed, I will release full Kindle, Paperback and Hardcover editions for anyone who wants them. Some people may not want to read it on Kindle Vella, so they will be able to read it in one of those formats.
I am however attempting to pace myself. As much as I would like to write an entire novel in one month, I remember writing AN IBIS AND THE SUN in three days and losing my mind. I do not want my personal psychological history to repeat itself. Then again, I am taking medication and although I AM spending up to seventeen hours of every day working with the novel, I do not believe that I am running the risk of going insane like I did nearly six years ago.
Some of the novel is based upon my mental breakdown six years ago, and that is also cause for some alarm. IBIS was written from a semi-autobiographical view, based off of my first mental breakdown after my father committed suicide.
Well, time will tell if the pills are doing their job and I am able to write this piece unscathed.
Will close for now. I have written a few thousand words today, and need to rest. I think I will open Steinbeck's GRAPES OF WRATH and pick up where I left off with my reading yesterday.
--Vate C. Carmen.
(2517)
Here, again, is the link to BROTHER OF DEATH.
BROTHER OF DEATH LOG 3
BROTHER OF DEATH LOG: 3
Sub-chapter two of chapter two will be going live sometime in the next seventy-two (more likely within the next twenty-four) hours. I am about to enter into the psychological meltdown of the narration.
With any luck, Sub-3 will be finished tonight and go live along with sub-2 as early as tomorrow. I have said before (on other outlets) that the book is "Raw." This means that I have neither edited nor proof read it. It is my hope that, in posting a raw draft, some editor or professional representative will want to work with me to make the book better.
I am surprised at how few spelling and grammatical errors there are. I type 98 words per minute--no idea how many wpm when creating my own work, Probably a lot faster.
I think it is good to be working on a novel for a change, rather than just writing poetry. I needed this little break from the poetics to recharge the batteries of that particular part of my brain. I did however publish the first few poems of the new collection that I began working on before I started up with BROTHER OF DEATH. Whatever I am planning with that collection has yet to manifest itself.
Will close the log for now. I want to get back to work on Sub-3. Here again is the link to
BROTHER OF DEATH as it appears on Kindle Vella.
--Vate C. Carmen (2517)